Teamsters Union Brews Up 100,000 Signatures to Make Beer-Thirty a National Holiday
In a frothy blend of hops and hope, the Teamsters Union has officially submitted a barrel of 100,000 signatures to Congress, petitioning to make Beer-Thirty a national holiday. The union has deemed this historic effort “The Great American Brew-Out.” It aims to ferment unity across the nation by recognizing the sacred time of day when workers traditionally pause to enjoy a cold one: Beer-Thirty.
Jim Hopsman, the newly appointed Teamsters’ Director of Malty Affairs, spearheaded the campaign. “It’s about recognizing the working man and woman’s right to unwind,” Hopsman stated, cracking open a symbolic first beer in front of the Capitol. “We’ve worked long. We’ve worked hard. It’s time we worked smart—and that means institutionalizing Beer-Thirty.”
The proposed national holiday would ensure that every American of legal drinking age would be entitled to one paid hour off every day. That time would occur precisely at Beer-Thirty, letting them enjoy a beer or beverage of their choosing. “It’s a celebration of our shared values: liberty, fraternity, and the pursuit of hoppiness,” Hopsman added, amidst cheers from a crowd donning foam beer hat caps.
Critics argue that the measure could have intoxicating effects on productivity. However, proponents counter that the initiative will boost morale and foster a hoppier work environment. “It’s simple,” one supporter slurred passionately, “Beer-Thirty transcends time zones. It’s always Beer-Thirty somewhere, and that’s a holiday worth toasting to.”
Details of the Proposed Beer-Thirty Bill
The proposed bill, dubbed “The Bubbly Bill of Rights,” outlines the logistics of observing Beer-Thirty. It grants every citizen the liberty to choose their beverage or brew. Provisions ensure a diverse selection that represents the melting pot of American beer culture. Cited recommendations include everything from light lagers for those who prefer a mild celebration, to robust stouts for the stout-hearted.
In anticipation of the holiday’s approval, breweries across the nation have already begun concocting special edition Beer-Thirty brews. These range from the “Declaration of Inebriation” IPA to the “Founding Fathers’ Ferment.” The latter represents a beer crafted using ingredients sourced exclusively from the original 13 colonies.
The petition now sits in Congress, fermenting amidst a legislative process that often mirrors the brewing cycle itself—slow and complex. Meanwhile, the Teamsters Union remains hopeful. “This isn’t about just kicking back,” Hopsman declared, “it’s about pouring a foundation for a happier, more united country—one beer at a time.”
For updates on the “Great American Brew-Out,” or to learn more about the Beer-Thirty movement, please visit the official website.
